Changing Mindsets

I come from a mixed-race family. My cousins are all black or brown-skinned. I grew up hating my own strangely pale skin because, conversely, I was the outsider. I think this gave me, early on, a unique insight into prejudice from both sides of the coin. The idea of mindsets and holding steadfast opinions about things became significant in my life early on when I realized I was not born to love a man. You would not believe how accepting people can be of many things but when it comes to loving someone of the same gender, even if people pretend to be accepting, they inwardly are uncomfortable and see you very differently. Because I could ‘pass’ as a white person and as a straight person, I had the privilege afforded me by passing. The interesting thing was I could then stand in a room with people who identified as white and heterosexual and hear what they really thought about people of color and non-heterosexuals because of their assumption I was the same as them. I can say this was an appalling experience, because even in my worst moments, I would never have expected people to judge and condemn as readily as they do. The reason we don’t always know how bad it is, is because they do it now in secret. How do you change a mindset that is not even honest in its prejudice? I will give you an example. I worked on an award-winning anthology, SMITTEN, poetry about same-sex love between women. Then soon after, I worked on The Kali Project, an award-winning anthology of Indian women poets. I began to work closely with many people from around the world on a variety of projects. During this time, I noticed that when people I met assumed I was heterosexual and Anglo, they treated me one way. When they knew I was mixed-race, I was permitted entry into other groups and when they found out I wasn’t heterosexual, I was either avoided awkwardly or paid lip-service to, but never gotten close to. This is because for many heterosexuals, they are deeply uncomfortable with the idea of a woman married to another woman, but rather than admitting that and facing possible backlash, they just leave you out. I began to see, this is what happens for so many groups. People of color are left out, Jews, Moslems, people with disabilities, the list goes on and on. It seems by this, that human beings are both prone to forming closed-mind-sets about people, and holding prejudices that they often do not disclose. It is worse when you do not disclose your mind-set because you effectively close off any chance of reconciliation or understanding. I think back to groups and cliques throughout my life including alternative lifestyles and goths and unusual religious sects. For many of my friends growing up, who were also mixed-race but didn’t ‘pass’ as one race, there was prejudice from both sides. You are not black enough. You are not white enough. You can’t win!

I grew up in an incredibly diverse setting. I went to school with mostly Jamaicans, Africans, Indians, Pakistanis and people from China and Russia and everywhere. I didn’t really ‘see’ color, even though I’ve been told this in of itself is privileged behavior. I think however, it was that I really didn’t see any difference between my dark-skinned friends and my light skinned friends, or whether one lived in the projects and another was rich. I knew as I got older that these were the things that divided us the most; our class status, our social status, our skin color and ethnic features, our heritage and lineage, all those absurd human ‘rules’ that we seem to still follow. I decided early on I didn’t want to follow any of them. I felt intensely uncomfortable being around people who were very rich because I knew people who couldn’t even get a meal every day. I felt intensely uncomfortable around racists because of my own mixed-race background, and I felt excluded from the closed groups of lesbians and other minorities, because I didn’t fit into their idea of what I should be like. In other words, their mind-sets were as closed as the people who were prejudiced against them.

This tells me that prejudice is a tricky subject; because it’s human nature and it’s up to us, and us alone, to eradicate whatever self prejudice we have, that holds us back from accepting others and not condemning them for being in some way, different to us. The irony is we have far more in common than we are different. That said, is it utopian to expect this ingrained prejudice and tendency humans have to categorize, label and hold opinions about different groups? Is it perhaps just who we are, where the ‘outsider’ as we perceive them, is viewed with mistrust? At least initially. Studies since the 1940s show that when people who are perceived as ‘different’ enter a neighborhood of people who perceive themselves as similar, the first response is prejudice, anger, hostility and over time, this breaks down and more acceptance is born. What a heavy price to pay! My wife and I immigrated to Canada and were prejudiced for: being mixed- race, being immigrants, being a same-sex couple and not having children! I think it’s unrealistic to expect people to not judge, even though it causes so much suffering. It is a shameful aspect of human nature. The question becomes, what do we do to change it once it’s been located?

I have (unfortunately) lived in Texas for some years, as an immigrant. When I first moved here, there were signs saying ‘marriage equals a man and a woman.’ This is a firmly red state, and they despised gays, immigrants and people with funny accents who they couldn’t put into a box. I was all three. It took me a very long time to feel like I belonged; to a large extent I still don’t, but what did help was just being myself and hoping that with time, people would see past their prejudices and accept me. Should every generation of immigrant have to put up with this? No! But sadly, I think most do. For many it is worse than it was for me; they are prejudiced against for not speaking English well enough, for being too ‘exotic’ and different, and they end up sticking with those they know, rather than trying to assimilate. I can really relate to that. It takes a person free of prejudice to have an open mind about people and they’re not as commonplace as I would wish.

I try not to get angry about the prejudiced mind-sets of others, but it’s hard when you hear such hatred and prejudice when people think you’re one of them. I remember people at work talking about a gay woman to me and saying how disgusting they thought she was, because they didn’t know I was gay. People weaponize and pervert their faith to condemn others, and it doesn’t matter how much you show them you can’t help who you are and you are not hurting anyone, they may still treat you like you are a bad smell. It is important to try to change prejudiced mind-set,s but it’s not always possible. Ultimately don’t do it to your detriment because you’ll only hurt yourself. Immigrants eventually find their belonging, no matter where they live, same with all groups that are prejudiced against. The hard part is the time it takes to find that place of safety.

As an optimist, I do see change coming. The younger generations are less prejudiced for the most part. I see reactions to this; but overall, they are more aware of the dangers of holding a fixed mind-set and they are questioning those assumptions. With countries becoming more diverse, and women gaining more equality, I think things are changing for the better. What continues to worry me is the degree of separation we deliberately create when we think of groups of people as ‘other’ to ourselves. Nobody is really ‘other’ and we dehumanized a group of people, such as asylum seekers, when we call them ‘other.’ Even recent immigrants are less likely to accept new immigrants, because they’re busy trying to assimilate. Maybe assimilation isn’t the answer. Maybe accepting radical differences as normal is the answer. When we see that we are more alike even in our differences, then we can stop being scared of say; a woman who loves another woman, or an immigrant or person of different skin color, and have some humanity toward what it’s taken them to get here.

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About the Author:

Candice Louisa Daquin is of French/Egyptian descent. She worked in publishing in Europe before immigrating to America to become a Psychotherapist. She edits for Raw Earth Ink, Tint Journal, The Pine Cone Review, Parcham Literary Magazine and Queer Ink. Her last collection of poetry was Tainted by the Same Counterfeit.